I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
