I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
