I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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