I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
