i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
