1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize