Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
