my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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