my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
