i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
