so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
