can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
