he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think I won the penis lottery.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
