omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
