I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
