if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
