i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize