i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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