I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
