Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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