the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
you never un-have a 4some
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
