I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
