i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
