i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
false alarm, still single
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
