Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Sober January is a disaster.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
