apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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