i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
