seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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