You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize