Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
