even my farts smell like vagina
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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