So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
