Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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