it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
