I am in a vortex of obligation.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
