Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
They are going to name an STD after you.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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