Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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