What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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