His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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