Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
