I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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