we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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