dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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