Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize