You're my little dorito
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
