Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
