I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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