my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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