I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
