I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
