If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
