worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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