She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
