my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
