"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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