I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
