Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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