I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
