How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize