I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
