Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
