im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
